


Like Watching a Shipwreck

by Sarah1281



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Humor, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-19 02:45:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4729862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarah1281/pseuds/Sarah1281
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Varric is well-accustomed to having to pay to keep his friends safe. Still, he had hoped that they had more sense than to PROVE that they had mages among them in the Gallows in front of Cullen. Apparently not. This part was being edited out of history.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like Watching a Shipwreck

Varric had become a very wealthy dwarf following his brother's attempt to kill him and subsequent abandonment of the family. There were times when Varric wondered if maybe he should have seen Bartrand's idolization of the good old days back in Orzammar when they were nobles and suspected what would happen. After all, wasn't target practice the main function of Orzammar families?

Either way, the point was that Varric now had sole control over a great deal of money and he was finding that more and more useful as the days went by. It was a good thing that Hawke had such epic story potential about her or else he would really be doubting whether her fifty sovereigns would have been worth it. Gavorn had been willing to give him the money, after all, and he could have spoken to Blondie about the maps personally if he had to.

It wasn't like anybody had asked him to do it but Varric had been paying to keep Daisy and Blondie un- harassed by thugs and ignored by templars for three years. It was really the least he could do after Sunshine had been spirited away the moment Hawke turned her back to go on his expedition. And everyone knew that if anyone made a fuss about the elf squatting in that abandoned mansion then it would only end in tragedy.

Never let it be said that Varric wasn't willing to make some financial sacrifices for his friends. And coming from a dwarf, that was real affection right there.

This latest incident, however, was really pushing the limits of his friendship and costing him more gold than most people would see throughout their entire lives. Still, he had managed to straighten everything out and was now at the Gallows to pick up his still-incarcerated companions…much to the displeasure of Knight-Captain Cullen.

"I just find this highly irregular," Cullen said frustratedly.

Varric shrugged innocently. "I honestly don't know what to tell you, Knight-Captain."

Cullen snorted. "Like I'm going to believe that. We had a solid case against each and every member of your group except for Guard-Captain Aveline who simply threw up her hands and walked away in the middle of it. Now they're all to be released with all charged dropped?"

"That is something I'm sure you're far more familiar with than I am," Varric replied. "I'm only here because you templars have a policy of not releasing anyone unless it is in someone else's custody."

"As much as it pains me to admit it, I know that not all the men I lead are incorruptible," Cullen said sorrowfully. "Still, this was a huge incident taking place in broad daylight in the middle of the Gallows courtyard surrounded by dozens of templars."

Oh, Varric was well aware of that. That's what was costing him so very much to make go away, after all. "That does sound strange."

Cullen's eyes narrowed. "Don't be glib, dwarf."

Varric idly wondered how people would react if he just went around calling them all 'human' instead of bothering to personalize their nicknames. Well…except for the elf but he hadn't liked any of his other suggestions.

Cullen distractedly ran a hand through his hair. "There's got to be something else at play, I just know it."

Varric cleared his throat. "Not to be rude or anything," he said, doing his best to sound tactful at least since he was being nothing of the sort. "But weren't you transferred here after the Knight-Commander of Ferelden thought that you were too unstable?"

Cullen's back stiffened. "Knight-Commander Meredith evidently disagreed with that conclusion and as I am under her command now, that is what matters."

Since by all accounts Meredith was a few arrows short of a quiver herself, this was hardly surprising. Although it did make Varric wonder what kind of a land was Ferelden that the craziest templar there was the voice of moderation and reason here in Kirkwall. Probably really really boring. Though that might change in the future, he had yet to decide that the lack of abominations and blood mages running loose would make a quiet life worth it.

"Of course," Varric assured him. "So what exactly happened? I didn't get many details."

Cullen closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead tiredly. "Oh, where to begin…"

"I'd suggest 'at the beginning' but I've told too many stories to believe that that's always so easy to pinpoint," Varric remarked.

"This particular story starts with Lady Hawke and her entourage – minus you – entering the Gallows courtyard. Fenris stopped the party in the middle of the courtyard and asked, in full hearing of myself and several other templars, whether they should be there considering that Anders and Merrill were mages," Cullen began.

Varric hid a wince. This…did not sound like it was going to go well. Obviously it wouldn't since they were all arrested but not quite that badly. What was the point in warning about not going somewhere in case the templars noticed your apostate mages if you were just going to draw templar attention to your apostate mages while doing so?

"Merrill said that she didn't see what the problem the Chantry has with mages was as not all of them were blood mages and abominations," Cullen continued. "Anders pointed out that she was a blood mage and was likely to become an abomination soon and Merrill looked upset so Isabela piped up that Anders was already an abomination and that he hadn't even had the decency to get possessed by anything fun."

Oh, Rivaini. Varric could really understand her desire to protect Daisy but that was REALLY not the way to go about doing it…

"That's when Aveline said that this was getting too blatantly illegal for her tastes and if anyone needed her she'd be back at the barracks. Isabela attempted to get Fenris to agree to sleep with her but when he refused to commit one way or another she wandered off to seduce one of my men. Fenris and Anders teamed up to make Merrill cry about what a horrible person she was for being a blood mage who consorts with demons. Hawke tried half-heartedly to make them stop and then she decided to take Sebastian up on his offer to have a confessional since they weren't going anywhere anytime soon and listed off an almost obscene amount of crimes which Sebastian was quick to forgive her for before having an identity crisis on whether he should be a prince or a priest," Cullen continued. "Hawke took a vote and they all chose for him to go reclaim his kingdom, after which he began to sulk about how nobody understood him."

"This is hurting me," Varric complained. How did these people get along before they had met him?

"And I'm not even done yet," Cullen said, seeming to get some sort of perverse pleasure from telling Varric all this since the group had pretty much gotten away with all of it.

Varric shook his head. "I'm not sure I can listen to this sober."

"Try. Now, by that point Isabela had found one of my templars who she had accidentally given a disease and so she asked Anders to heal him right then. Anders refused because he was a templar and apparently healing sick templars is unjust even when no mages were at all involved in the getting sick," Cullen went on. "Merrill offered to try but said she could only heal people with blood magic and Fenris threatened to stab her if she used it. He might actually make a better templar than some of my people but that's not so much a compliment to him as…but anyway. Hawke convinced Anders that it would be unjust to allow Merrill to use blood magic because he wouldn't heal someone so he did heal the templar…right in front of everyone. Then Sebastian tried to get Fenris to do a confessional and Fenris made everyone quite nauseous by describing some of the things some man named Danarius had done."

"That was his former master," Varric clarified. "He used to be a slave."

Cullen nodded. "I see. Not to worry, slavery isn't legal in Kirkwall or Ferelden…despite the argument Fenris and Anders immediately began to have about whether being mage in a Circle is like being a slave. Hawke then spoke up that if Anders felt they were the same then maybe he should stop encouraging her to send Fenris back to slavery. Fenris screamed 'WHAT?' and they began to fight. Isabela asked if this was a bar brawl now and immediately joined in. Merrill said she had always wanted to be in a bar brawl and got involved as well. She used blood magic. Hawke said that looked like fun and cajoled Sebastian into joining in. It took some time but my men finally managed to pull them off of each other."

"Out of curiosity, why did it take you so long to get involved?" Varric wanted to know.

Cullen stared at him. "Out of everything I just told you, that's your reaction to it?"

"For my sanity, I'm choosing not to process most of what you just said," Varric confided.

Cullen nodded sympathetically. "I see. Well, I could have gotten involved earlier I suppose but it was like watching a shipwreck. I just couldn't look away. And I was trying to get as much to implicate them as possible, of course."

"It's too bad that all of those charges mysteriously were dropped," Varric lied.

"I just don't understand it though! The fight, maybe. Likewise for the indecent conduct of Isabela. Hawke's confessions could be considered inadmissible since they were to a brother of the Chantry even if they were done in plain sight and Sebastian has renounced his vows. I think the charges should still stick, but I know how the world works," Cullen said seriously. "But the blatant use of magic proving Anders and Merrill apostates? The fact that Merrill was using blood magic? The fact that Anders' eyes started to glow blue clearly signifying that as a possession? They can't even follow up on that?"

Varric shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you," he said innocently. "Either you made a mistake or someone in your department's been compromised."

Cullen groaned. "Oh not again. We still haven't finished the paperwork from that last time with the blood mages…"

"I feel for you, I really do," Varric claimed. "Now, if you'll direct me to my friends who will never ever under any circumstances ever be allowed out alone again…?"

That should keep Cullen busy for awhile.

He was most definitely leaving this incident OUT of the stories.


End file.
